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:iconshadowsadoptables:
This story is stunning, its very original, and i liked the introduction. It is by far better then any story i could ever right, and this has amazing detail.

You can easily tell that this took thought, and even this amazing story could be turned into a book! With a few agustments, it can become book quality!
Although, as said by LoneRobin, it could use some grammar changes. Although they are not mandatory, because out of all the storys i have read on dA this is still by far the best! Actually, out of the books i have read, i feel this story is better then some of them!

'Shortly after, a heart broken James appeared, devastated he'd missed the birth, but overwhelmed with the sight of her.' I just love this sentence, it has amazing detail, and if i ever tried to right a story like this i would probably put 'Soon after James arrived sad he had missed the birth, but happy of his new daughter' And if i compared this to the detail in another book, this would be abouts what they would put 'Shortly after, James arrived, guilty he missed the birth, but the sight of his new daughter made it better' By far worse then your sentence.

All in all, i love it so far, and i am going right over too read part 2! This story is amazing. Nice job!

~Shadow
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconthatcanonkid:
ThatCanonKid Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student Writer
Yeah, I used to get told off at school for using Comma's too much haha but never mind. xD I got a B in my english GCSE so I didn't think my punctuation was all that bad! :P

Thank you very much :hug:
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